is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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