happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
