Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
