maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
