Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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