how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
