im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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