There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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