I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
