omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Pants are for mortals
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
