the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Can I color on your dick again?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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