just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
