She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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