My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
