i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize