Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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