Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
