i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
