i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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