peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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