Your dad touched me again.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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