I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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