she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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