She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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