I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
