You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just found puke in my bra..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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