I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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