before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
