He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
