just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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