I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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