I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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