I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
