I think im going to throw up on grandma
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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