just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize