No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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