I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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