He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
