I think I won the penis lottery.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
