I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
