Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we're making bets on your personal life
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So apparently I’m into choking now
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
