i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
