I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Come on in and take your pants off
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