why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
