I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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