I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
