nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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