Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
