I want to stick my p in your. b.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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