Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
