why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
