not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize