If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
