you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
