There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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