Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
