I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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