I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize