This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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