Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
