dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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