I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
