dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
