I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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