Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
We named our party play list daddy issues
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
