oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
