The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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