blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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