You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
