man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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