Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
