Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
