So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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