If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
